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From The CareerJournal Online (www.CareerJournal.com)

By Douglas B. Richardson

We've all done it at some point. Instead of appearing confident in that job interview, meeting with the boss or high-stakes marketing call, we were told we seemed obnoxious or overbearing. Our behavior irritated the other person so much that we didn't accomplish anything.

Sure, it's important to project authority and be forceful. Square those shoulders. Stand tall or sit up straight. Make and hold hawk-like eye contact. Use a strong tone. Give 'em a firm handshake they'll remember forever.

But -- and it's a big but -- be careful not to overdo it. In any interpersonal setting, the appropriate display of authority calls for a delicate balance. If you come across as too quiet or passive, they may think you're a wimp. If you go over the top and are too forceful, you may turn a potential relationship into a defensive competition. That future employer, client or networking contact may think you're a controlling bully, dominator or an imposter, like the Wizard of Oz behind the blue curtain.

But how much is too much? How do you know when to turn the volume up or down? What are the rules about projecting the right kind and amount of authority?

One Size Doesn't Fit All

Unfortunately, no hard-and-fast rules apply. Appropriate demeanor changes from setting to setting, person to person, encounter to encounter. The people who make the best impressions and build the best relationships are sensitive to all the factors shaping an interaction - and adjust their demeanors accordingly. Others cast their monolithic style as a virtue, as evidence of integrity:

• "With me, what you see is what you get."
• "I hate that political hogwash. I treat everyone the same."
• "I'm a truth-teller, and I'm not going to change the way I behave simply to make someone more comfortable."

Sounds good, works bad. These "authoritative" people often are surprised to hear they're viewed as pushy, arrogant, self-centered, insensitive or unfriendly. Their stylistic inflexibility is particularly harmful when they work with people who differ from them in a significant way -- say, by age, gender, status, race or role. It also gets in the way when more subtle factors are involved, such as differences in stature, confidence, education, cultural background, voice timbre and volume and, most critical, what each person wants or expects from the interaction.

Creating the Frame of Reference

When two people first meet, they automatically try to establish a "frame of reference." That is, they try to swiftly assess the purpose, stakes, risks and rewards of the interaction. This "framing" happens very quickly, building on a series of conscious and unconscious messages each person sends and receives (poker players call them "tells"). Within the first 10 seconds, the parties have sized each other up and made initial assumptions about who's driving or being driven. These snap judgments may not be complete, accurate or fair, but that doesn't stop the players from making them. These initial mental snapshots are simply today's less intense version of the basic life-preserving fight-or-flight reflex.

Actually, you may start constructing "the frame" before the meeting. If someone says, "you're really going to like Janie," you'll automatically look for cues that reinforce this suggestion and try to judge Janie favorably. The reverse is true if a network contact tells you that "Joe is really intelligent, but kind of aggressive." When a person's behavior seems to support our preconceptions, we'll interpret subsequent cues consistently with the initial impression. This is called "confirmation bias," the principle embodied in the maxim: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."

This initial "flash-frame" is shaped by four fundamental issues:

• relative authority -- "Do I dominate or defer to you?"
• rapport -- "Do I like you?"
• authenticity and credibility -- "Do I believe and trust you?"
• and congruence -- "Are we alike? Do we share styles, goals or values?"

Relative authority is the most powerful issue, while the others are shaped by whether we relate as peers ("power parity"), are in charge, or need to go on the defensive to ward against some kind of loss (for instance, loss of control, power, face, respect or bargaining leverage).

No set rules frame every personal interaction. However, you can build rapport instead of going to war by using the following:

Anticipate. Before arriving at a meeting, learn as much as you can about the factors surrounding this interaction. This includes finding out about the other person's style, background, hot buttons, turn-offs and even stature (short or small people may feel the need to defend themselves against tall or large people).

Try to learn how you've been described to the other party and remember how you described yourself to them. Ask yourself, "What picture of me are they likely to have in mind? Is it the impression I want, or should I 'manually adjust the picture' when we meet?" Determine if the meeting will be held in an office with a big "power desk," in neutral territory or a public setting where you must speak quietly. How long will it last? How formal or unstructured will it be? All these factors affect the appropriateness and effectiveness of your communication.

Analyze your "power profile." Do you have a big frame or voice or use big gestures when you talk? Consider toning it down so you'll seem less intimidating. Start by analyzing the visual messages you send. Strong contrasting colors convey authority, so if you need to ramp up your power quotient, grab that dark suit, white shirt and dark (preferably red) tie. However, if you're tall and weigh 250 pounds, wear softer colors, such as a blue shirt, gray suit and lighter-colored tie. Tall people also should sit as soon as possible and consider lowering their head a little when speaking to suggest deference and seem less imposing. Another way to shift power is by reducing the number of declarative statements you make and asking more questions.

If you're smaller, quieter, less theatrical or a female, use more authority cues, such as wearing a dark suit, sitting up straight, maintaining strong eye contact, and speaking slowly and deliberately. Don't lift your voice pitch at the end of your sentences. This so-called "uptalk" makes you appear to be asking a series of questions, which might be interpreted as a sign of insecurity. Use silence to suggest thoughtfulness and gravity. Remind yourself that you're an adult, entitled to respect, and don't try to people-please.

Tune in to both the words and the music. Listen not only to what the other person is saying but also to your internal "hunch machine," which tunes into the emotional subtext of your conversation. If you feel you're being manipulated, you probably are. Sense you've made your interviewer angry? You have. If you don't feel you're connecting with the other person, find out by asking polite questions and then repair the situation if necessary. The best way to do this is by calling attention to the problem, rather than pretending nothing is amiss: "I sense that my answer may have made you uncomfortable, and that's certainly not my intention, Ann. Is there some issue I don't understand here?"

Context Awareness

The key to projecting appropriate authority is to show sincere respect for the other person's comfort level. These tips can help:

• Forget the Golden Rule. Instead, do unto others as the situation calls for, not according to what makes you comfortable.

• Don't respond to aggression with more aggression. This creates one-upmanship. Try "validating the aggressor" by first agreeing with him or her and then making your counterpoint. This defuses the situation: "You may be right, Roy. I guess my answer may have sounded like a hip-shot reaction. What factors did I fail to consider when I stated my opinion?"

• Don't play games with your appearance or your demeanor. Don't over-rehearse or use prepared power gestures or stock answers to questions. Don't drop names or big words to impress others. Anything that suggests you're tinkering with your personal presentation will convey you're manipulative or not authentic. When that happens, you lose all chance of gaining trust and rapport.

In short, by showing respect for the quality of the interaction, you're showing respect for the other person, which helps equalize the level of power. In this case, follow this prescription: "Sometimes it's more important to be interested than to be interesting."

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